Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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