six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
