She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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