you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
