Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
