Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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