my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize