No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
