my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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