I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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