There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
