well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
