My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize