I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize