why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
They have beer where we have blood.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
