I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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