my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
