Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
