It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
