You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
