Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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