Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
