Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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