Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
