cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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