I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
