why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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