You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
