I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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