Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
