I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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