census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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