My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
