Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
