i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
