He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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