I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
