It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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