I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
