Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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