how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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