I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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