i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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