Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize