Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
