He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
