Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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