The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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