I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
