Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
