all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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