I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
MIDGETS
????
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
