life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
