how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
