woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
