She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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