My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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