Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
