Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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